[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
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[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.