Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
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A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
God, I love Scotland
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers