Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
You Might Also Like
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?