You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
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Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
synchronized noseblowing
uncle dave has been through hell
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Meow
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today