In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go