my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
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When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Happy weekend !
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.