This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
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Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Pot warmers of the day.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.