I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
grotesque if literal: baby food
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain