Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
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I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.