wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
You Might Also Like
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
This is not me but this is me
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.