This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
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VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
This is I, Robot all over again
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.