Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
You Might Also Like
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I can’t wait!
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.