If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
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A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Spring of Deception
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!