Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
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(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
decorating my apartment
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
BRO LMFAO
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.