I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
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Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
😂😂
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.