Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
You Might Also Like
Leonardo DiCaprisun
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.