me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
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I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.