My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.