My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
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[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
meanwhile over on facebook
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
This is always good for a laugh.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
uh oh
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*