If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
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The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
*watches the world burn*
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?