Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
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I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no