Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
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WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
When ur friends with white people
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Gods work.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
happy valentine’s day to me
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.