Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun