That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
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CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.