mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
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“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Every time my phone rings
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT