Nailed it!ππ»π€£π€£π
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[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
who wore it better?
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
If weβre in a horror movie and you tell me to run, itβs already too late for me.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
We need a new term for βavoid it like the plagueβ because apparently people donβt do that
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
Heβs nowhere to be found.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Clients after you give them your rates
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
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Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
βEating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!β yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
All Iβm saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that itβs only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
yeah iβd have thought so, heβs a cat
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Labreador
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it