Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
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I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
See..?
.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless