My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
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Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
A couple who are silly together stay together.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold