Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Husband of the year 😂
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?