If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
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Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Watson was Holmes schooled
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.