My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
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My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
All set.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!