Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
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The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Alexa: *deep breath*
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.