Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I’m putting together a team
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
pictures of spider-man
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES