card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
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KFC hitting the cannibal market
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
That time Alicia messaged me
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please