I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee