[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
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[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no