*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
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if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
@ candidates for local office
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around