When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
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A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.