OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.