7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
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What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN