Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
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If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music