If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
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I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
“How’s your day going?”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym