You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
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in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them