Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
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Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car