Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
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How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
worst…sale…ever
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle