The Struggle
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!