Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
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Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday