Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
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Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex