I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.