“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
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Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?